That “one day”

You left me with so many regrets
That “one day” we’ve always dreamed of
If only if only if only~


If only there’s a way we could turn back time
I wanna go back to when you lulls me to sleep
and I would hug you so tight
and love you right

i-wanna-love-you-
r i g h t.

Regrets

Time has passed,
Like the smoke particles in the air,
Chaotic silence and grief,
A demanding wish to spend more nights with her,
And the memories of regrets that ripped me apart.

Nothing to stare, pure sadness and empty rooms,
My eyes transfixed to an unknown distant,
An endless void, making me so dizzy.

Numb

Aug 2, 2020 – 3:42 PM

I hope I could spend more days with her
Hold her hands, hear her laughter
The last time (July 31) she saw me, she said
“How many childrens did you have?”
“Five.” I answered.
“Huh?” She confused.

I’ve never been so desperate
to feel like every second is sooo important
I can’t feel any tiredness
Everything feels so numb

“Aug 2, 2020 – 3:25 PM”

She don’t deserve it
Don’t deserve it at all
She’s too good, too beautiful for this world
But God.., Your Will Be Done.

I have no words to whisper in her ear
But I know, there’s just so much to write

About how thankful I am
to be her granddaughter
to spend my childhood with her
She hold my hands when I scared
comb my hair, take care of me

About my regrets
for not always be there
and . . . . .

And now,
all we can do is just praying while tearing.
I can’t even imagine what tomorrow will be
what two days from now will be

Now we talk about funeral
“Which funeral we’ll take her to?”
“Hurry up call the priest now!”
“But that funeral is far..”
and so on, and so on.

To grow up,
is such a sad thing.
We have to make so many decisions
and everything is so unpredictable.

Disappear

I wish
I could be disappear somehow
But I’m a little scared
’cause maybe
they don’t even realize
no, they won’t realize
’cause I’m just a paper flower that fades
blew by the wind
and the one that’s not real

“Will they looking for me?
Will they beg me to come home?
Will I be missed?”
And all these negativity in my mind
keep whispering
all the “no” answers

Judge

They said “Be yourself” “Don’t fake”
But apparently
When you show the real side of you
They judged

They said “Just share” “Share with us”
But apparently
When you share all your anxiety
They judged

So, let’s just write
pour all your emotions here, or on paper
’cause at least
paper won’t judge

and instead of judges
all you get was a memory
a memory that you’ve been so strong
through all of these