the ocean will rub my bones to dust
and I will wear the smile you gave me
in the brightest shade of blue
That “one day”
You left me with so many regrets
That “one day” we’ve always dreamed of
If only if only if only~
If only there’s a way we could turn back time
I wanna go back to when you lulls me to sleep
and I would hug you so tight
and love you right
i-wanna-love-you-
r i g h t.
Regrets
Time has passed,
Like the smoke particles in the air,
Chaotic silence and grief,
A demanding wish to spend more nights with her,
And the memories of regrets that ripped me apart.
Nothing to stare, pure sadness and empty rooms,
My eyes transfixed to an unknown distant,
An endless void, making me so dizzy.
No longer here
That day was painted with so many colours,
what a beautiful day!
Little did I know
that she’ll be no longer here with me
that our times are not much to left
Slowly,
her breath
her eyes
her body
fade away.
Now she’s covered in white clothes
of unsaid feelings and warm breath.
Mon, Aug 3 2020 – 12:10
Nothing seem to ease, like a blow of breeze chasing me inside
As I paced back and forth in the hospital
Memories suffocated me up, tears were left dried
Causing me to feel lightheaded.
Numb
Aug 2, 2020 – 3:42 PM
I hope I could spend more days with her
Hold her hands, hear her laughter
The last time (July 31) she saw me, she said
“How many childrens did you have?”
“Five.” I answered.
“Huh?” She confused.
I’ve never been so desperate
to feel like every second is sooo important
I can’t feel any tiredness
Everything feels so numb
“Aug 2, 2020 – 3:28 PM”
Toilet sign.
Sunflower Painting.
Turned off TV.
and Tulips Painting.
All I can feel is sadness.
Frustation.
Don’t want to let go of her
but also don’t want to see her suffering.
“Aug 2, 2020 – 3:25 PM”
She don’t deserve it
Don’t deserve it at all
She’s too good, too beautiful for this world
But God.., Your Will Be Done.
I have no words to whisper in her ear
But I know, there’s just so much to write
About how thankful I am
to be her granddaughter
to spend my childhood with her
She hold my hands when I scared
comb my hair, take care of me
About my regrets
for not always be there
and . . . . .
And now,
all we can do is just praying while tearing.
I can’t even imagine what tomorrow will be
what two days from now will be
Now we talk about funeral
“Which funeral we’ll take her to?”
“Hurry up call the priest now!”
“But that funeral is far..”
and so on, and so on.
To grow up,
is such a sad thing.
We have to make so many decisions
and everything is so unpredictable.
Pride
and i always act nonchalant
like it doesn’t bother me if you wake up one day and decide
that you don’t want to love me anymore
that i, too, can decide to walk away and start over
but deep down my timid heart whispers:
please fight for me,
please stay.
Disappear
I wish
I could be disappear somehow
But I’m a little scared
’cause maybe
they don’t even realize
no, they won’t realize
’cause I’m just a paper flower that fades
blew by the wind
and the one that’s not real
“Will they looking for me?
Will they beg me to come home?
Will I be missed?”
And all these negativity in my mind
keep whispering
all the “no” answers
violet-fragrance💜 